The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
