Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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