Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
me + whiskey = a bad person
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
