I will die if light touches me.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
