never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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