Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
