I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
