Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
