i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize