Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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