i just wanna soil my oats bro
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
