I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
