I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
