About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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