So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I had to cum in my sink.
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