In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
