Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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