Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
