Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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