Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
