If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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