cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
