Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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