well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
