I can't watch pbs sober anymore
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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