I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
There r osticjed everywhere
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
