Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
