you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
