my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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