you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
