he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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