Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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