the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
