having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
