I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
