he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Sorry about my life...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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