You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
