ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize