i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
