you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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