wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
