Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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