I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
