I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
