glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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