Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
