she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
