im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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