It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
