nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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