Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
its liver damage thursday
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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