she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
