cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize