According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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