You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
