Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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