1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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