he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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