new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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