fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just pee around me
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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