i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize