I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
